I know I said I'd watch every episode, movie, special, tie-in imaginable here on Dragon Blog - but why didn't any of you stop me? Dragon Ball: Evolution is an American live action film from 2009, loosely based off the Piccolo Daimao Saga (and hoo boy I mean loosely).
He's a sore loser.
"Yeah, well, it's kind of hard to block a move that I can't see."
He's emotionally unsure.
"Everybody at school treats me like I'm nothing, grandpa..."
He suffers from adolescent anger issues.
"They push me so far... that I wanna explode."
All the jocks bully him at school.
Beautiful high school girls don't notice him as they eat fruit sexually.
But all that is about to change.
"I'm not Goku... I'm Spider-Man."
Green Goblin demon Piccolo has been released from his prison of two thousand years, and he seeks the magic Dragon Balls to wish for something vague. Goku's Uncle Ben grandfather Son Gohan is killed during Piccolo's search for his Four-Star Ball. But the ball isn't there - Goku took it with him to Mary Jane's Chichi's party.
Chichi catches onto the joke.
"I get it. This movie is like Batman."
It sure is, sweetie.
It sure is.
Goku meets Bulma Briefs (Not Brief, but Briefs, like in the FUNimation Dub), who has come searching for her Dragon Ball, which was stolen by Piccolo. Goku tells her the truth about the seven balls, (in a startling role reversal, which might have been endearing in a movie that didn't just spend the first 22 minutes trying to be a completely different movie) and so the two join forces. Bulma wants to invent an unlimited energy source called "Dragon Ball Energy" ("DBE. Catchy name." *rolls eyes into next week*). And Goku needs the Dragon Balls to stop Piccolo from destroying the world at the Solar Eclipse, when his minion Oozaru will return. To do so, Gohan told Goku to find Muten Roshi. (Strangely, only the Asian characters consistently call him this. All the white characters prefer Master Roshi or simply Roshi. I don't even know, guys.)
"HEY GUYS LOOK, OUR GOKU EATS FOOD LIKE THE MANGA GOKU. AREN'T YOU HAPPY WE STAYED SO TRUE TO THE SOURCE MATERIAL?"
(As my grandfather would say, it's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.)
They meet Muten Roshi soon after.
(No Kinto Un, no Umigame, no Kame House, no turtle shell. But hey, he has a swim suit magazine and cracks a couple jokes so HE'S DEFINITELY THE CANON CHARACTER.)
It turns out that Muten Roshi was Son Gohan's master, and he knows all about Piccolo and his desire for world conquest. He has a Dragon Ball of his own, giving our heroes two total. He joins up with them as well, and now it's off to find the other seven before Piccolo.
But Piccolo and his crony
Tits Mai have found another ball themselves.
(Not featured in this movie: Pilaf and Shuu.)
"IF ONLY WE HAD TITS."
Along their journey for the balls, Goku meets Chichi training for some unnamed martial arts tournament. They have an awkward scene about how she's a fighter too, but her friends back home wouldn't understand (an awkward scene for me more than the characters). But then it's back on the road, with Muten Roshi instructing Goku in the ways of ki.
Then Bulma drives into a manhole.
Yamcha isn't a martial artist, doesn't have a cat, nor a sword, or black hair. He has a rope ladder and a manhole. That's the extent of his Desert Bandit cred. But he's still the very best character in this movie.
"I don't know what the fuck I'm doing in this movie."
But how can you not love that face?
Muten Roshi reexplains the Dragon Balls, Piccolo, the Eclipse, and Oozaru to the audience, just in case they were asleep for the last 40 minutes of the film. But this affords Yamcha to get in on their scheme as well, with a Dragon Ball nearby, underground.
"I still don't know what the fuck I'm doing in this movie."
Our heroes end up in some lava tunnel cave ... place... and Piccolo's Namekian Ninjas attack them. No, really, his Namekian Ninjas. Goku brutally slices them into pieces so he can build a bridge across lava to gain the next Dragon Ball. All seems to be going well, until Mai arrives...
But her Titty Magic proves useless against Goku.
As Goku touches the Dragon Ball, it gives him some kind of vision about Oozaru killing everyone and the apocalypse. Muten Roshi tells him not to worry about it. He recalls some cryptic stuff Gohan said and then they move onto the next location.
Muten Roshi meets with his master, Ernie Hudson.
In order to defeat Piccolo, Roshi must have a vessel to imprison Piccolo inside with the Mafuba technique. Ernie Hudson agrees this is the best way, but that it will kill Muten Roshi in the process. They briefly discuss alternative tactics.
"Who you gonna call?"
Back at the tournament, Chichi's cleavage proves to be more powerful than Mai's.
Then we have a couple awkward romance scenes of Goku and Chichi, then Bulma and Yamcha. The latter only less awkward because Yamcha is adorable.
"I think I like you, Yamcha."
"I'd like to know what the fuck I'm doing in this movie."
That night, Muten Roshi instructs Goku in the use of the Kamehameha. He commands him to use it to light five torches before going to bed, then leaves him to it. This is another opportunity for the production team to put in yet another awkward romance scene between Goku and Chichi. Goku can't do a Kamehameha without the incentive of Chichi. So she says he can step closer to her with each successful torch lit. It ends with a sloppy blowjob scene and Goku accidentally cumming in her eyes. She gets angry at him for not telling her he was about to blow his load, but Goku is too busy having his post-orgasm guilt weep. Of course, the last bits were cut out of the movie due to time constraints.
That's when Chichi steals the Dragon Balls.
But it isn't really Chichi.
Titty on titty action, round two.
Mai disguises herself as Chichi using transformation powers (it's eluded to this being the reason Mai entered the tournament, but you don't fucking care), and gets in a brawl with the real Chichi. Goku rushes down to aid the real Chichi, but can't figure out who is who. Eventually, he decks the real Chichi in her jism irritated eyes, allowing Mai to shoot him in the face. Goku almost dies.
Goku gets shot and almost dies.
Goku. Shot. Dies.
C'mon guys. It's in the first fucking chapter.
Thankfully, Muten Roshi uses his Kamehameha to... restart his heart? (That's actually pretty cool.) But now shit has hit the fan - Piccolo has all seven balls. So it's off to the Dragon Temple, where Piccolo will resurrect Shen Long. (They actually use Shen Long in this flick, which is a plus. Granted, they probably got the name from the Wikipedia entry.)
Yamcha's flying car got a special effects upgrade.
*cue heroic music*
Muten Roshi fights Piccolo, and loses. Goku shows up wearing turtle dogi, and tells Piccolo he'll defeat him and Oozaru. Are you ready for the twist? Goku is Oozaru. Solar Eclipse happens, and Goku transforms.
Muten Roshi unleashes the Mafuba on Piccolo, but Piccolo shoots ki at the container, destroying it. The Oozaru chokes Roshi to death, as Roshi reminds Goku that WITH GREAT POWER, COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY.
Goku becomes himself again, and he and Piccolo duke it out.
This is the entire fight scene.
Then Goku beats Piccolo.
"Don't tell Harry."
Meanwhile, Yamcha and Bulma shoot Mai to death with laser pistols. With everything over, they use the Dragon Balls to summon Shen Long.
Muten Roshi is resurrected and everything ends up groovy. Goku gets Chichi, Bulma and Yamcha hook up, and Muten Roshi is regulated to comic relief from now and forever.
The movie even ends with a Rocky III "Eye of the Tiger" freeze frame.
OR DOES IT????
DUN DUN DUN.
WILL PICCOLO GET HIS REVENGE ON GOKU? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGON BALL: REBORN - COMING NEVER, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.