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Super Battle of the Live Action Dragon Ball films!! "I will be the best!"

Now that I've finished watching all three Dragon Ball live action films, it's time to pit them against each other! I'm going to create 12 categories, and rank each movie in order of Best to Worst in how they did in each category. Whoever does Best in a category gets +1 point, whoever does Worst gets -1 point, and whoever is middle gets no point change. In the end, I'll tally up the points and we'll have a mathematically proven formula for which film is best.

Granted, being the Best DB Live Action film is like being the world's tallest midget.

Best Son Goku
Best: Fight Son Goku +1
Middle: The Magic Begins
Worst: Evolution -1

It's actually fairly surprising how well this kid is at playing Goku. His mannerisms, speech quirks, expressions, they're all pretty spot on Son Goku. The other two Gokus hardly feel like that character at all, but "Magic" Goku is slightly less offensive to the character's sensibilities than "Evolution".


Best Bulma
Best: Fight Son Goku +1
Middle: The Magic Begins
Worst: Evolution -1

Another surprise from the Korean film, Bulma is actually a two-faced brat like early canon Bulma. "Magic" makes her more likable, but she's a lot more like Bulma as she becomes later in the series. "Evolution" is just ridiculous.


Best Oolong
Best: The Magic Begins +1
Middle: Fight Son Goku
Worst: Evolution -1

Piggy, from "Magic"! I love this guy! I love him more than canon Oolong! He's such a great, funny character. He's definitely more inspired by Oolong's Journey to the West counterpart than Oolong himself. "Fight" seems to have a watered down version of canon Oolong, who is basically there to be slapped by Goku. "Evolution" doesn't even have Oolong.


Best Yamcha
Best: The Magic Begins +1
Middle: Fight Son Goku
Worst: Evolution -1

Westwood from "Magic" wins out, but pretty marginally. All the movies have good Yamchas. Westwood is the closest to the canon character, whereas "Fight" is way too old to be a 16 year old bandit, and "Evolution" is too old and not a fighter. But "Evolution" wins for cutest Yamcha.


Best Puar
Best: Fight Son Goku +1
Middle: The Magic Begins
Worst: Evolution -1

"Fight" has canon Puar, with the added bonus of giving him a smoking habit. "Magic" turns Puar into a bird, and a girl, and is fairly annoying to Yamcha rather than a helpful bro. "Evolution" has no Puar, because the kidzzz don't go to movies with talking cats. (Yet watch cartoons with them?)


Best Muten Roshi
Best: The Magic Begins +1
Middle: Evolution
Worst: Fight Son Goku -1

No fucking contest, it's Turtleman. Turtleman is a groovy, oversexed badass. He dances, he shoots fireballs, wears sunglasses, has a turtle shell, and for some reason has a snake on his staff. In fact, once he joins the cast of "The Magic Begins", he completely steals the movie. "Evolution" Muten Roshi is interesting and fun at points, but "Fight" Roshi is boring and strange.


Best Villains
Best: The Magic Begins +1
Middle: Evolution
Worst: Fight Son Goku -1

King Horn and his cronies from "Magic" win this round, due to their actually being a persistent threat. They're almost carbon-copied from King Gurumes and his soldiers from Legend of Shen Long, but so is the whole movie. "Evolution" and its K-Mart Piccolo Daimao and Mai are pretty vanilla, but still show up from time to time to fuck shit up. Pilaf Co. from "Fight" are just bizarre.


Best Acting
Best: The Magic Begins +1
Middle: Fight Son Goku
Worst: Evolution -1

All of these movies have pretty terrible acting. "Magic" wins due to how good everyone's comedic timing is, and "Fight" gets second because everyone seems to be having fun. "Evolution" brings it last, because aside from Son Gohan, no one's performances are memorable.


Best Directing
Best: Evolution +1
Middle: The Magic Begins
Worst: Fight Son Goku -1

I have to hand it to the director of "Evoluton", they actually tried to make this a cool movie. There's some really creative shots, mixed in with all the predictable shots. "Magic" isn't offensive, but isn't anything special either. "Fight" is just awful.


Best Music
Best: The Magic Begins +1
Middle: Evolution
Worst: Fight Son Goku -1

I've heard that "Magic" plagiarized music from anime like "Ranma 1/2", but everything in this movie is plagiarized. Fact is, the soundtrack is really fun, and feels like Dragon Ball. "Evolution" is generic Hollywood faire, nothing special or offensive. "Fight" hardly has music, and when it does it is bizarre.


Best Action Scenes
Best: The Magic Begins +1
Middle: Evolution
Worst: Fight Son Goku -1

"Magic" wins because its action scenes are the most fun. None of the films have anything special in the way of action, but "Magic" has a couple really fun fights (Monkey Boy vs Sparkle and Monkey Boy vs Westwood), whereas "Evolution" just has one cool fight (Goku vs Bullies). "Fight" is just bizarre and surreal and filled with strange rubber costumes. 


Best Story
Best: Fight Son Goku +1
Middle: The Magic Begins
Worst: Evolution -1

"Fight" wins, but marginally, and I'll tell you why; They based the movie almost entirely off the manga. A lot of the bizarre and awful aspects of this movie come from their lack of a budget, and the production team's clear lack of experience. Given a budget and a solid production team, this movie could be the perfect Dragon Ball movie. "Magic" gets second because the better version was already made - it's called The Legend of Shen Long. And "Evolution" is just fucking awful, don't watch it.

FINAL TALLY

There you have it. The Best is "The Magic Begins", completely annihilating the competition. Now I never have to watch a Dragon Ball live action movie again. Hopefully.

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